“What is the purpose of Guilt?
I’m asking a VERY guilty client sitting in front of me.
She has a case of MOM guilt, maybe the worst type, and this time
I feel for her because her situation is overwhelming.
Her daughter is in jail, she had to call the police because her drug-addicted daughter tried to hurt a member of their family. She can’t let go, she feels she musn’t.
I validate her. This is a situation no parent wants to find themselves in.
It’s tremendously painful, and I’m glad she came to find peace.
I offer the question, What is the purpose of guilt?
“I don’t know…wait, to make sure you’ve done something?”
YES! How long should that alarm last?
“Not very long?”
Correct.
Guilt should last Just long enough for us to:
1. Identify your deeply-held values
In this case She felt guilty because she wasn’t giving her the money her daughter desired, which she knew was against her values. She was loving her daughter unconditionally and setting boundaries, so, time to turn off the guilt alarm, she was doing what she could, and as hard as it is, it is a profound practice to do what is right, and in line with your values, and let go of the rest of controlling what you cannot. Our family karma is the strongest and our children are the hardest to practice with this. She was definitely in a tight spot, but there is hope. This is her thesis, in her spiritual doctorate at Harvard. This is the lesson, not the knee jerk response to try and fix it. One teacher told me,
“When you set out to solve the problems of others, you STEAL their opportunity to learn the answer themselves, so they must keep trying until they achieve this lesson. It is wrong to steal the karma of others.”
2. Control Yourself.
Pain is certain, suffering is optional. -Buddha
Yoga is the study of self-awareness, assisting ourselves and others to feel aware that we are one, this is our learning, it doesn’t work when we focus on fixing the awareness of others. Instead of taking another’s karma, or pain, or briefly fixing their issue so they no longer suffer, consider offering our universal karma learning experience: practicing the tenants of yoga: nonjudgemental, peaceful response (not fixing it) while they go through the tough time and receive the fruits of the lesson. Be supportive, be encouraging, assist them in a way that is not taking away their chance to grow. That’s some Jesus-type love right there and it’s not easy, but the payoff for all involved is unlimited acceptance and love, and that’s universally sound.
3. THEN TURN OFF GUILT ALARM
Stopping the practice of guilt is easier said than done. But just as we practice replaying a situation where we could’ve done more, only to realize we didn’t because, well, we couldn’t, or it wasn’t reasonable to our values is a practice.The cyclical flogging only serves to instigate our stress response and hold us in a pattern of fear/worry/anxiety. Perhaps try changing the focus of your practice to becoming aware of the guilt alarm, focusing on the values, taking action to be unconditionally loving and then letting go of all else.
Ways to Turn Off Guilt:
- Acknowledge that you feel this way, it’s ok.
- Ask yourself if you have done what you can do, not fix it, but have you been kind, encouraging, helpful, loving?
- Go outside, Wipe arms, shake them out, breathe out, and mentally/physically, spiritually wipe away the responsibility for any actions of others involved. (Repeat up to 100x until you are able to redirect mind to allowing it to be)
- If you are particularly exhausted, receive a balancing treatment, acupuncture, massage, reiki, or if you have a trusted excellent counselor, seek out some grounding.
- Prayer. Ask for guidance, protection and a loving solution for all involved. Create a personal practice to realize the lessons of it all
Guilt is a natural part of life, but the prolonging of guilt is habit that has consequences to our spirit of learning, self-acceptance and self love. It’s ok to make a mistake, it’s ok to be going through hard times. When you feel guilt, ask if you are doing what YOU can (compassion, unconditional love and acceptance are the highest forms of giving). Let go of the rest, give others back their own karmic duty, and forgive yourself so that you may learn and be free.
May you be open to all the blessings around you, and may you be a blessing unto others.
Muh Love,
Anne
Anne Adametz is a yoga mentor, acupuncturist, wise-country medicine woman who lives in Wisconsin with her husband and young son. She offers one-on-one mentoring over the phone and in person to let go for good.